


Professional Asshole

by snipershezz



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Ableist Language, Almost smut, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Arguing, Banter, Bickering, Canon Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Cockblocking, Deep and meaningful conversations, Depressing, Drinking, Established Relationship, Feels, Fighting, Grief, Heavy Angst, Humour, Insults, Kraglin’s ever the calming presence, Leering, Loss, M/M, Mentions of Arson, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Slavery, Mentions of wrongful imprisonment, Motorcycles, Old Married Couple, Raph and Kraglin call a truce, Raph grows a conscience, Raph has emotions ya’ll, Raph thinks Yondu and Kraglin are cute, Raph’s a bitch, Raph’s a clepto, Raph’s a fucking asshole, Raph’s an asshole, Raph’s had some bad shit happen to her ok?, Raph’s house, SO MUCH SARCASM, Sadness, Sarcasm, Stealing, Teasing, Typical Canon Violence, Yelling, Yondu gives a pep talk, Zombie Horde, black humour, but the goddamn spacers are growing on her, crude humour, dark humour, i can’t stress that enough, kind of a hopeful ending, less than pleasant zombie scenes, like an unreasonable amount for any being to display, mentions of abuse, mentions of attempted assault, mentions of child death, mentions of mental and emotional abuse, mentions of torture, planning, shit goes tits up, the end ya’ll!, the usual shit from this lot, this got all sorts of awful real quick, this is not a happy chapter, weird humour injected into awful situations, working together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-07-18 23:47:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16129196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snipershezz/pseuds/snipershezz
Summary: “What’s yer name?”The woman spat onto the tarred rooftop. “Raph.”Yondu snickered, “Raph? What kinda name’s Raph fer a woman?”The woman took a long drag from the cigarette between her grubby, cut up fingers, “What kinda name’s Yondu? Ya red-eyed freak.” Her tongue poked out to lick her split lip, and she sighed, “Ya’ll got any water or what?”





	1. A Bad Horror Flick

**Author's Note:**

> Finally the ‘been in my brain forever and just have to write’ zombie AU. I wanted to explore the idea of a really shitty character, like a person who encompasses a bunch of the shit I dislike about humanity, and thus Raphaella was born. Every time I see a movie or a TV show there is always a real fucking asshole guy that nobody likes, and I’ve seen very few women be put in that role, you know, just like a crude, fucking mess of a person who has very few redeeming qualities at all. Raph is a fucking asshole, there rarely anything nice about her and I apologise for everything she says and does. She is an A-Grade shithead and even Yondu and Kraglin dislike her at first and that’s really saying something – because, you know, they’re *them*. She does get slightly better towards the end but not by much, she kind of grew on me XD. Anyway, hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :) Much love to ya’ll <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yondu and Kraglin are in the wrong place at the wrong time and Raph’s a redneck asshole they have to work with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the ‘been in my brain forever and just have to write’ zombie AU. I wanted to explore the idea of a really shitty character, like a person who encompasses a bunch of the shit I dislike about humanity, and thus Raphaella was born. Every time I see a movie or a TV show there is always a real fucking asshole guy that nobody likes, and I’ve seen very few women be put in that role, you know, just like a crude, fucking mess of a person who has very few redeeming qualities at all. Raph is a fucking asshole, there rarely anything nice about her and I apologise for everything she says and does. She is an A-Grade shithead and even Yondu and Kraglin dislike her at first and that’s really saying something – because, you know, they’re *them*. She does get slightly better towards the end but not by much, she kind of grew on me XD. Anyway, hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :) Much love to ya’ll <3

A woman ran passed them screaming.  
  
"We don’t usually get that type of reaction." Nate snickered.  
  
"Shaddup!" Yondu growled.  
  
There were fires and yelling - someone firing shots off in the distance. The streets were littered with bodies. Corpses mauled beyond recognition. A crashed shuttle stuck out the top of one of the buildings, a fire from the engines burning steadily.  
  
"Somement ain’t right Cap." Kraglin murmured to his right.  
  
A bone chilling scream pierced the air and a woman ran at them. She launched herself at Jay, jaws snapping viciously. The Xandarian cried out in surprise as he went down, "Get this crazy bitch off’a me! Aww _fuck!_ " Kraglin gripped her by the collar and tossed her away. Jay’s green eyes were wide as he clutched his neck, "She - she fuckin’ _bit_ me!"  
  
The woman undeterred by the manhandling, threw herself at Kraglin, who shoved her back, knife appearing in his hand and slamming it through her jaw.  
  
The other Ravagers huddled together looking around wildly. More people were advancing on them, snarling and screeching like animals.  
  
"What the fuck is goin’ on?!" Nate yelled. The sound spurred the group into action, and they began running.  
  
Yondu whistled. His arrow flew in a blinding circle taking all seven of them out in one swoop. He caught it in his hand and looked around. "Job ain’t happenin’. Kick off yer high heels boys, let’s go."  
  
Kraglin nodded to Nate, "Pick ‘im up. Back ta tha ship! Come’on hustle!"  
  
They made their way back to where the m-ship was docked.  
  
_Was_ being the key word.  
  
Yondu let out a string of vicious curses.  
  
"Back ta town. Weapons out, guard up. Shoot anythin’ that comes at ya mouth first. We’re gittin’ off this rock one way or another!"  
  
The only sounds were distant screams and the occasional burst of plasma rounds whenever something lurched out of the blackness at them.  
  
Jay staggered and dropped to his knees. Nate wrenched him upwards, "Get up asshole. It’s a little love bite."  
  
The other man leaned over and threw up. Moaning he looked up, face pale, "I don’t feel so great Cap."  
  
Yondu rolled his eyes, "A’right quit yer whinin'. Let’s find somewhere ta set up shop fer tha night. I dun much like tha idea o’ not bein’ able ta see what’s comin’ at us."

* * *

"Ya can’t just leave me here you assholes!"  
  
White eyes stared at her with a pitying look, as the man tightened the chains, "I’m sorry Raph."  
  
She snarled spitting in his face, "Fuck you."  
  
"We’re sorry Raph." A woman called.  
  
She stared at them hatefully, "Fine fuckin’ leave me here to rot! Hope ya’ll c’n sleep at night!"  
  
None of them said a word as the filed off the roof and the door clicked shut.  
  
Raph lit a cigarette and cursed, " _Shit._ "

* * *

When the convulsions that wracked Jay’s body stilled, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Until he got back up and took a chunk out of Nate.  
  
Yondu put an arrow through both of them and snarled. They’d been good Ravagers. He looked at the three remaining, Kraglin hovering behind him. "Drag ‘em outside. We’ll take turns at watch. Anything comes close ya kill it." He turned away looking out into the destroyed street.  
  
A pale hand slid onto his shoulder, Yondu resisted the urge to lean back into his first mate. "Them things. It - it’s like a bad horror flick."  
  
"‘Cept it ain’t, ‘cause we’re standin’ in tha middle o’ it."  
  
"We’s gon’ git outta here right Cap?"  
  
He turned his head to looked up into nervous blue eyes, "Honestly? I dunno - but I didn’t fight ma whole goddamn life ta go out like this, so we sure as hell gon’ try."  
  
"Git some sleep sir, I’ll take first watch."

* * *

Raph pulled at the chains fruitlessly. Her fingers were scraped raw from pulling at the restrictive bonds and she knew if the zoms didn’t manage to get up here and chew her, that she was going to die anyway.  
  
The bastards hadn’t even left her and food or water. It’d been about twelve hours, she reckoned, and not one of them had come back, just to see.  
  
She didn’t know why or how, but she wasn’t dead.

Or whatever you became after.

Her weapons were lying in the corner of the roof. If she could just get out of the chains -

She struggled again. Letting out a string of curses when nothing moved. Lighting another cigarette, she looked around hopelessly.  
  
So much for getting the hell off this piece of shit she called home.

* * *

Yondu whistled his way through another batch of - them things. Watching in silent horror as the last of his ground crew went down with a series of screams that made his blood run cold.  
  
Kraglin spat out a curse behind him as his captain whistled again, killing the last of them, plus Wrench.  
  
The Centaurian sighed heavily, "Looks like it’s just you an’ me darlin’."  
  
"We gotta find a way outta here."  
  
"No shit. Long range comms are out, there ain’t a goddamn person who ain’t crazy anywhere an’ we can’t find a ship. We gotta git up high."  
  
Kraglin gave him a puzzled look and Yondu rolled his eyes.  
  
"We c’n see what’s ‘round if we c’n git up high. Plus, these things - they got enough sense ta follow ya, ta listen fer ya. If ya climb a ladder they c’n work out how ta follow but if ya knock tha ladder down, they ain’t got ‘nough brains ta figure out how ta git ta ya. Hence, height equals temporary safety."  
  
"We been down here damn near forty-eight hours Cap. We gotta git some proper sleep or we’s gon’ git ourselves killed."  
  
Yondu clapped him on the shoulder, pulling him into a one armed hug, "So let’s find ourselves a buildin’ ta climb."

* * *

Raph was sure she had begun to hallucinate when two men climbed over the side of what she’d come to think of as her roof.  
  
They didn’t even notice her at first. Muttering to each other in low voices.  
  
"You boys lost?" She called out with a bloody grin.  
  
Both men spun around staring at her with wide eyes.  
  
"What the hell are you doin’ up here?"  
  
She snorted, shifting around in the chains, "Oh goody. A couple of idjits. Listen sugar, it don’t take no genius ta work that one out."  
  
The pale one frowned, "How long ya been up here?"  
  
Raph turned her head to the sky, "Light’s come an’ gone twice an’s goin’ again so I’d say close ta three days." She blinked at them blearily, "If I’m hallucinatin’ can one a ya come unchain me so’s I c’n least git a fuck in ‘fore I die." She opened her legs and leered.  
  
The blue one curled his lip, "Let’s go Krags."  
  
‘Krags’ grabbed his arm, "Yondu! We can’t just leave her here!"  
  
Yondu raised his brow, "Why not Kraglin? She ain’t our problem."  
  
"Ain’t right."  
  
"She didn’t tie herself ta that pipe. So, why’s she up here?" He turned, "Why you up here girl?"  
  
"Pissed off tha wrong people, I guess."  
  
"So they just left you?" Kraglin asked incredulously.  
  
Raph gave him a blood-filled smirk, "Bad shit brings out tha evil in people boy. They just got in a lucky shot." She licked her split lip, which she'd been poking at since those rat fuckers had left her there to die. The chains clanked against the pipe as she lit a cigarette. "I know how’ta git off this rock."

Yondu gave her a flat look, "Uh-huh."  
  
"I hooked up wit’ some o’ tha Core, reckoned they was takin’ people ta shuttle ‘em off planet. We just gotta git there, nick a ship an’ git tha fuck out ‘fore they blow this place ta hell."  
  
"Blow this place ta - what’cha mean ‘blow it’?" Yondu snarled.  
  
Raph squinted her eyes, "Exactly what I said. You dumb or what? Core got orders ta take tha planet apart, stop tha virus from spreadin’. We don't got much time."  
  
"Why should we believe ya?" Kraglin asked.  
  
She raised an eyebrow, "You were all set ta let me go a minute ago, boy." She sneered, "You leashed? Only do what yer master says?"  
  
Kraglin snarled, taking a step forwards. Yondu stopped him with a hand, "She’s pushin’ yer buttons Krags - and it’s workin’."  
  
Raph smirked cruelly, "I think I'mma call you Toothless. Yer all bark an’ no bite."  
  
"He’s right girl. Ya ain’t makin’ a stellar case fer us ta unchain ya."  
  
"Pickpocketed tha orders off’a tha Sargent. They’re in ma back pocket. If ya lemme go I’ll show ‘em ta ya." She smirked, running her tongue along her teeth, "‘Less course ya wanna feel me up fer ‘em."  
  
Yondu rolled his eyes.  
  
"What’cha think Cap?" Kraglin murmured.  
  
Yondu shrugged, "We dun hafta ta trust ‘er. We just gotta work wit’ ‘er."  
  
The taller man gave a wry smirk, "Ain’t no different from tha crew."  
  
Yondu snorted, "Ain’t wrong there." He turned raising his voice so that she could hear, "What’s yer name?"  
  
The woman spat onto the tarred rooftop "Raph."  
  
Yondu snickered, "Raph? What kind’a name’s Raph fer a woman?"  
  
The woman took a long drag from the cigarette between her grubby, cut up fingers, "What kinda name’s Yondu? Ya red-eyed freak." Her tongue poked out to lick her split lip, and she sighed, "Ya’ll got any water or what?"  
  
Yondu looked at his first mate and inclined his head towards her. Kraglin slipped off the backpack he was wearing and shuffled around in it for a bottle of water and a protein bar. He made his way over to her and knelt down, holding them out.  
  
She flicked her cigarette butt at him, it bounced off his forehead and she grinned. "Yer breath stinks Toothless." She said, snatching the offered items from his hands.  
  
Kraglin stood up, rubbing his forehead and glaring, "Yer a’posed ta say thank you."  
  
"I’ll say thank you when ya’ll unchain my ass." She replied through her mouthful.  
  
Yondu rolled his eyes, "Cut ‘er loose Krags." He whistled, glaring at her threateningly, "Ya make one single move against ‘im an’ I’ll skewer ya."  
  
She eyed the arrow, "You got it Blue."  
  
Kraglin’s plasma knife hummed as he brought it up to the chains, "Hold still. Wouldn’t want ya ta lose nothin’ vital."  
  
She slid him a flat look, "Them words are nice but that look tells me ya’d rather like ta take a chunk outta me Toothless."  
  
Kraglin grit his teeth until he felt his molars creak and cut the chains. Raph took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders.  
  
"Damn that feels good! I tell ya boys, I thought fer sure I was gon’ die up here." She looked at them and for all of two seconds she looked genuine, "Ya have ma thanks." Then the sneer slid back in place. Rummaging around in her pocket she pulled out the tiny battered datapad. She thrust it in Yondu’s direction. "See? Orders. Contain and neutralise. So, we gotta hustle boys."  
  
Kraglin ducked over Yondu’s shoulder squinting at the tiny screen. "It legit?"  
  
The Centaurian sighed heavily, "Yea’ it’s legit."  
  
Raph sneered, "Told ya." She pointed to the corner of the roof, "Ma weapons is over there. I'mma go grab ‘em. I dun wanna be shot in ma back, right?"  
  
Both men ignored her, still reading the datapad.

"Fuck ya’ll." She grumbled, picking up the baseball bat, "Sarah honey, you miss mamma?" She fastened the harness to her back and slid the weapon into it. Next, she picked up a compound bow, drawing the string back to her ear. "Yer all ready ain’t’cha Bettie?" She cooed.  
  
"Hell’s that?" Yondu asked, nodding toward the bow.  
  
Raph snorted, "It’s compound bow, ya moron. Yer Centaurian. How could ya not know what a bow an’ arrow is?"  
  
"Why don’t chu have no guns?" Kraglin asked.  
  
A black look crossed her face as she slung the bow over her shoulder. "Don’t like guns."  
  
Yondu snorted with a cruel smirk, "What kinda backwater redneck bitch don’t like no guns?"  
  
Raph leveled him with a glare, "What kinda primitive spear chucker don’t know what a bow look like?"  
  
Kraglin held an arm out as Yondu went forwards. "‘Member - she know this planet, we dun. We need her right now." He murmured.  
  
The Centaurian gave an animalistic snarl and turned, stalking away.  
  
A look of cruel satisfaction crossed Raph’s face, "Oops. I hit a nerve wit’ Blue there?"  
  
It took everything in Kraglin not to throttle the bitch. "How we gon’ git outta here?"  
  
Raph lit another cigarette from her seemingly endless pack, "We gotta find ma truck."  
  
Kraglin huffed, "There isn’t anything ‘round here that ain’t already busted or been taken. We looked."  
  
She smirked, "Yea’ ain’t no one movin’ ma truck wit’out this." She held up a silver cylinder.  
  
Kraglin snorted, "That looks ancient."  
  
"We’s in tha middle o’ butt-fuck nowhere Toothless. We still runnin’ on fossil fuels out here. All’s you gotta know is ma truck ain’t goin’ nowhere wit’out this."  
  
Yondu strode back over, looking considerably calmer. "Let’s go find yer truck then."


	2. Don't Call 'Em That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raph complains, Yondu almost gets bitten, and Kraglin tries to be nice.

"Urgh!" Raph said disgustedly, "Why’s it gotta be rainin’?" She blew a wet strand of hair out of her face.  
  
"Shut up Raph." Yondu snapped.  
  
"Calm yer farm Blue, ‘m just sayin’!"  
  
Yondu rounded on her, eyes blazing, "It’s dark, we can’t see shit! There’s a fuckton of them things out there an’ yer complainin’ is gon’ draw them right to us. So. Shut. Up. Raph."  
  
Raph rolled her eyes, glaring at him through the darkness, "Listen. We’s gon’ hear ‘em comin’ if they comin’ so stop yer bitchin’ at me! I dun like bein’ wet a’right? Wet leads ta gittin’ tha flu an’ ya think ‘m an asshole now - if I catch a damn cold yer gon’ know ‘bout it!"  
  
"Shut up both o’ ya!" Kraglin hissed. Yondu turned his head and raised an eyebrow and his first mate had the good sense to look a little contrite, "Sorry Cap."  
  
Raph gave a smirk, she walked passed the pair, patting Kraglin on the arm condescendingly, "Such a _good boy_ Toothless."  
  
Kraglin glared. Yondu chuckled minutely, "Come’on darlin’ we only gotta stand her a few days."  
  
"A few hours has been a fuckin’ nightmare babe. If she were crew I’d sock her in her stupid face. She gon’ get dead she keeps it up."  
  
"Truck’s in tha next street." Raph called over her shoulder. "Try to keep up girls."  
  
The woman’s eyes lit up as they rounded the corner to see a beat up black style-side ute. "There ya are baby." Raph pulled the little cylinder out of her pocket and opened the door to pop the hood. "Ya’ll watch ma back. I know ma ass is real purty but try an’ keep yer eyes on tha area, I ain’t lookin’ ta git bit."  
  
Yondu just shook his head and Kraglin sneered. "Shut up Raph."  
  
She leered at them and then stuck her head in the engine. She started humming to herself as she worked and Yondu’s eye twitched. She managed to get all the way to the chorus before he snapped. He turned, "Shut up Raph! Ya wanna bring ‘em down on -" A set of arms gripped the back of Yondu’s coat and his eyes went wide.  
  
A low snarl came from his right side and he dug his elbow into what felt like a fairly well-endowed chest. He shoved backwards, loosening the grip as jaws snapped right where his neck had been.  
  
Kraglin pointed his blaster and squinted in the darkness, "Damnit Cap I can’t see."  
  
Yondu’s implant lit up the area around him and Kraglin took the shot. The thing went down only to be replaced by another, a huge hulk of a man, that dwarfed the captain. Yondu struggled against the thick meaty arm around his neck, trying to get enough air into his lungs to whistle. Jaws snapped next to his face as a hunk of drool dropped onto his cheek. The smell was enough to make even the strongest Ravager gag.  
  
Kraglin lined up his shot just as an arrow hit the thing between its eyes. Yondu went down with it, shoving it away and coughing violently.  
  
The taller Ravager jogged over as the captain stood. One brief glimpse of terror in Yondu’s eyes was all it took for Kraglin to grab the back of his neck and pull him into a vicious kiss.  
  
"You boys a’lright?" Raph murmured from a few steps away.  
  
Yondu started, stepping back from Kraglin and giving her a minute nod.  
  
"Truck’s fixed."  
  
Yondu’s eyes were guarded as he passed her, raining running off his leathers in sheets.  
  
Kraglin raised an eyebrow, "Ya ain’t gon’ say nothin’? No snide remark - no insults?"  
  
Raph shrugged, "Ain’t ma business Toothless." She replied reaching down to pull the arrow out of the man she’d shot. "You wanna bend over an’ take it up tha ass like a goddamn fairy, ‘at’s yer deal."  
  
Kraglin gave her a smug leer, "Who says I’m tha one takin’ it?"  
  
Her eyebrows shot into her hairline, "Damn Toothless got game." She reached up in an uncharacteristically gentle move and brushed Kraglin’s sopping mohawk out of his eyes. Blue eyes took on a guarded quality, and she patted the side of his scruffy face, "Can’t shoot if ya can’t see worth a damn. Come’on I got rain in places that ain’t a’posed ta hold water."

The doors to the truck slammed in quick succession and Raph fished the keys out of her pocket. It started first try and Raph smiled patting the dash gently.  
  
"Ya know yer way ‘round an engine, I’ll give ya that." Yondu commented as he settled in the seat next to her.  
  
Raph switched on the floodlights on the roof of the truck and smirked, "‘M a mechanic Blue, ‘s what I do." She tossed a pair of goggles at Kraglin the back seat, "Stick yer head out that back window an’ make yerself useful Toothless. Shoot them zombies in our way."  
  
"Don’t call ‘em that." He replied.  
  
Raph frowned, "Why not?"  
  
"‘Cause it’s ridiculous." Yondu said. "Three o’clock Krags!" He called as Raph pulled onto the street.  
  
There was a pop and a man went down.  
  
"Ain’t nothin’ ridiculous ‘bout it Blue. Look around ya, tha dead ‘r’ walkin’. Zom’s is ‘sactly what they are."  
  
She peeled off down another street and began to head out of the town.  
  
"Where’r’ we goin’ girl?"  
  
"My house. I got me a big ass fence around it ‘cause tha kids kept nickin’ parts off ma lawn. Tha zom’s pro’ly ain’t tried ta git through it so it’ll be safe ta rest there, fer a night. It ain’t real far from there ta tha cargo drop zone tha Core reckoned they was takin’ people to."  
  
"How long?"  
  
"An hour or so, I guess."  
  
Yondu grunted, settling into the seat and closing his eyes.  
  
About ten minutes later Raph slowed to a stop and shoved him awake. "Wake up ol’ man." Yondu - mind still in the past - snarled, automatically snapping at her fingers, like he would when a handler kicked him awake. His implant flared, a whistle on his lips. Wouldn’t work worth a damn, he could whistle until he was purple, but the arrow wouldn’t respond for another two minutes.  
  
Realising where he was, curled his lip, "What?"  
  
Cobalt blue eyes met his harshly, "You try that primitive bitin’ shit again an’ I’ll shoot you in yer face. Deal or not."  
  
Yondu sneered, "Then next time ya gotta wake me, shove me an’ stand tha hell back. Why’d we stop?"  
  
"Me an’ Toothless gotta move them cars up there. Need ya’ll ta be look out."  
  
Yondu nodded, peering out the windscreen. The rain had stopped at least and it was beginning to get light.  
  
"Ya ready ‘Less?"  
  
"Can’t ya call me by ma name woman?!"  
  
Raph smirked, "Nope!"  
  
"Fuckin’ backwater redneck." Kraglin murmured.  
  
Raph opened her mouth to give a no doubt caustic reply, when Yondu leaned over her and opened her door, "Shut up Raph. Get out an’ move tha damn cars."  
  
"A’right keep yer shiny red metal thing on!"  
  
Yondu huffed, "‘S a yaka implant dumb ass."  
  
She made an exaggerated posh face, "La-de-fuckin’-da."  
  
Kraglin slid his narrow hips out of the window and jumped down from the tray. Raph joined him from the other side and they cautiously approached the cars. Raph had her bat out, rusty gore covered nails glinting in the early morning light. She motioned for Kraglin to move around the other side of the cars, he nodded machete raised over his shoulder. There were two of them, eating the recently dead. Kraglin scrunched his nose and swung the blade down into the centre of one’s head, while Raph bludgeoned the other with a little too much enthusiasm.  
  
They checked the cars and when they were sure there were no more Kraglin stuck his head in the driver’s window, he pulled off the park brake and pushed, while Raph shoved from the front.  
  
"I were a mechanic too - ‘fore I became first mate. Used’ta work on tha m-ships."  
  
"That’s nice." Raph stated in a tone, that was exaggeratedly sarcastic.  
  
Kraglin sighed, letting go of the car as it rolled into a ditch. "What kinda stuff ya work on?"  
  
Raph glared moving to the next car, "Listen it’s cute yer tryin’ ta make small talk an’ all, but I don’t care. Ya’ll are a means to an end that’s all."  
  
The taller of the two looked at her, "Then why’d ya save Cap?"  
  
She grunted as they moved the next car, "What?"  
  
"We got ya off that roof already, ya didn’t owe us shit, ya could’a let that thing bite him but ya didn’t."

Raph sighed, "Ya seen what happens when someone gits bit?"  
  
Kraglin nodded, "We lost five o’ our guys. First one got bit, we didn’t know. Took less than two hours."  
  
Her eyes met his, lips in a grim line, "Then ya know nobody deserves ta go out that way. Not even a backwards ass, dirt dwellin’ Centaurian."  
  
"Stop insultin’ ‘im."  
  
Raph leered, "Comin’ ta yer bitch’s rescue huh? That’s right sweet Toothless."  
  
"Shut up Raph."  
  
She lit another cigarette and cursed, "Fuck it. ‘M all out." She muttered patting her pockets. "Think I got another pack in tha truck."  
  
There was a sharp whistle and Yondu’s arrow flew past her head, it shot through a snarling man and made a swooping arc, killing another three.  
  
"Hurry it up!" Yondu barked, most of his body out the window of the truck. "We’s attractin’ attention!"  
  
"Right." Raph sad sticking her head in the final car and shoving it in reverse. "Give this thing a shove Krags."  
  
He smiled widely at her use of his name and gave it a push. The car rolled into a man who was staggering towards them and they jogged back to the truck.  
  
Kraglin swung himself up into the tray and stuck his legs through the window again. "Ya used ma name Raph. Ya don’t git ta call me Toothless no more." He snickered, pulling the goggles off his flattened mohawk and pulling his blaster from its holster.  
  
Raph sneered, "I’ll call ya whatever I damn well please Princess." She gunned the engine and powered through the hole they’d made.  
  
As they continued on down the road Kraglin pulled himself inside and dug around in his pack for a bottle of water. He offered the bottle to Yondu who took it and swallowed some. He offered it to Raph who juggled with her current cigarette and the steering wheel before taking it.  
  
After she handed it into the back Kraglin spoke, "So they’re just - going to blow it up? No regard for the people who might still be alive down here?"  
  
"Ya read tha report Toothless, contain and neutralise."  
  
"Don’t ya wanna stop them? Save yer planet an’ all?"  
  
Raph’s laugh was harsh and a little hysterical, "Save ma planet?" She looked at Yondu, "Aww he’s cute where’d you git him?" She looked in the rear-view mirror, still grinning, "Save ma planet? Like some big goddamn hero?" The smile dropped off her face, replaced with an ugly expression, "This shit hole ain’t never done me no favours. I just wanna git tha hell off it ‘fore they kill us. It c’n blow tha hell up fer all I care."  
  
Kraglin wondered - not for the first time since they’d met - what the hell happened to her to make her so - fucking caustic. Maybe that’s just who she was.  
  
"Buildin’ comin’ up." Yondu barked, before they could have another spat.  
  
Kraglin scrambled back out the window, blaster up.  
  
"I know it clearly ain’t in yer nature girl but try ta be a lil’ less – _you_ , wit’ Kraglin. He’s gon’ through a hell o’ a lot in his life, but he’s got a heart o’ gold."  
  
"Fuck me, if it’s gold why ain’t ya sold ‘im fer parts yet?"  
  
A smile tugged at the corner of Yondu’s lip, "Shut up Raph."  
  
The truck spluttered and died about half a kilometre from a rundown servo. Raph cursed up a blue streak, getting out and kicking the shit out of the tyre. She popped the hood, muttering angrily to herself.  
  
Kraglin jumped out of the back of the truck, covering her six, while Yondu stood watching the landscape on her left side.  
  
"It’s tha goddamn alternator. Fuck it all, I knew that thing was goin’!"  
  
Kraglin’s goggles glinted from the top of his head as he turned with a smirk, "What kinda mechanic don’t maintain her own shit?"  
  
She rounded on him with a snarl, "Ya think yer so fuckin’ great don’t cha? Ya stand there in yer pretty red leathers, lookin’ down yer massive fuckin’ nose at me like ‘m some kinda bug ta be squashed under a boot. Just ‘cause ya lived yer life on a ship. Ya’ll off-worlders look down on us dirters like we some quaint lil’ fuckers. Well lemme tell ya somement - ya ain’t no better than me, yer a two-bit pirate whore who pro’ly slept his way up tha chain o’ command. So -"

She went down like a sack of shit as Yondu’s fist connected with her jaw.  
  
Kraglin blinked.  
  
The rage drained from Yondu’s eyes and he sighed heavily, "Shit."  
  
"You lost yer temper." Kraglin said dryly.  
  
"Redneck bitch got a mouth on ‘er." He flexed his hand, "Fuckin’ hard head too. Ow." When he looked up Kraglin was still staring. The Centaurian smirked, "Yer Mamma was a good woman - pro’ly taught ya not ta hit girls."  
  
Kraglin shrugged, "Pro’ly just ta save ma ass from gittin’ tanned when ma sisters pissed me off. Didn’t stop me none, just use’ta put gum in their hair instead."  
  
Yondu chuckled, "Yeah well in tha arenas didn’t much matter what someone was, ‘s’long as ya came out alive." He nodded to the building in the distance, "That ain’t far, we’ll hold up there ‘til she wakes up, git tha shit from tha truck."  
  
Yondu scooped the woman up, grunting and shifting her weight. "Hell, she’s heavy as shit."  
  
As they walked towards the servo Kraglin spoke softly, "Yondu? I didn’t ya know."  
  
Yondu gave him a rare genuine smile, "Yeah darlin’, I know."


	3. Riding Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yondu and Kraglin act like an old married couple and Raph is still an asshole.

Raph groaned rubbing her jaw, Yondu’s eyes shot up from the battered paperback in his hands.  
  
Her eyes found his and she smiled a little, "Poked tha beast too hard didn’t I?"  
  
The Centaurian gave her a flat look, "Ya could say that."  
  
"Ain’t tha first time I been punched fer runnin’ ma mouth."  
  
"I c’n imagine." He replied dryly.  
  
She looked over at Kraglin, he’d found a bigger gun while she was out, and it was hooked over his shoulders as he stared out the window. The mohawk was gelled back up, goggles resting on his forehead.  
  
"I ain’t gon’ apologise."  
  
"Wouldn’t dream o’ it." The Hraxian replied, not taking his eyes off the horizon.  
  
"I dun like spacers, right? They swoop in thinkin’ they God’s fuckin’ gift an’ take over yer life like somehow they’s gon’ make it better but they don’t."  
  
Yondu’s eyes held hers, "Yeah well we both know what that’s like."  
  
She sat up, still rubbing her jaw, "Do ya?"  
  
"I dun think I need ta tell ya what happened when tha Kree came ta ma system and Kraglin there’s Hraxian."  
  
Raph glanced up at him, "Huh. Maybe ya do know then." She shook her head, sneer falling effortlessly into place. "Found anythin’ useful Blue or ya just sit on yer fat ass readin’ while Toothless did all the work?"  
  
"He just finished his watch Raph." Kraglin growled. His patience for her mouth was already dangerously thin.  
  
A carton of cigarettes bounced off the side of her head. "Ow! Fuck you, ya inbred shit!"  
  
Yondu smirked a little, "Found that out front under tha counter. Ain’t no one thought ta look there."  
  
"This yer way of apologisin’ fer punchin’ me?"  
  
The Centaurian grunted, closing the book and standing up. His spine made a series of cracks and crunches as he stretched, and Raph eyed him up. Kraglin looked at her sharply and she snorted. "Relax Princess I ain’t stealin’ yer man." She paused giving him a filthy leer, "Though I wouldn’t say no ta both o’ ya. ‘Cause ‘m a greedy bitch like tha’."  
  
Yondu chuckled, walking passed and cuffing her lightly, he kept his hand there rubbing back and forth to mess up her hair. "Shut up Raph."  
  
She snarled, swatting at his hand and he laughed in that gruff manner of his before walking out the room.  
  
"‘S in his culture ta do tha’. Gifts as apologies, like. He don’t know it but I looked it up once."  
  
Raph snorted, "What’s ‘e some kinda inbred outcast? How c’n a man not know his own culture?"  
  
Kraglin’s eyes captured hers and she froze at the honesty in them, "There’s a lot ya dun know ‘bout Yondu."  
  
And with that he turned and followed the older man out.  
  
Raph sighed, and lay back on the old couch. She toyed with the carton, rolling her tongue over her teeth. "Well shit."  
  
After a few minutes she got up, following the two into the garage portion of the servo. Maybe she would get lucky and find an alternator. She snorted ruefully, not bloody likely, she’d been chained to a roof not even half a day ago, it wasn’t like her luck was fantastic to begin with.  
  
She sauntered up next to Yondu who was grinning. Raph followed his eyes and grinned just as wide, "Fuck yeah! Now that’s what ‘m talkin’ about!" She barged passed the Centaurian, "Look at ‘em, they’re fuckin’ mint!" Sliding a hand across one of the seats she sighed happily, "1000ccs o’ power between my thighs. Mmmm baby, wit’ that kinda engine who needs a man." She turned back, "Either o’ you fairies know how’ta ride?"  
  
Yondu walked passed her and slid a leg over the seat, he turned the key and the dash lit up, "Shit yeah." A set of fingerless gloves and a pair of sunnies were hooked over the brake lever, he slid them both on. Casting a glance over his shoulder at Kraglin he smirked, "Do I look like a badass?"  
  
Kraglin’s eyes were all heat. "How ya know ta ride one o’ them things?"  
  
Raph snickered, "It’s called a motorcycle Toothless."  
  
"Used’ta derby ‘em in tha arenas sometimes. There ain’t nothin’ quite like keepin’ up wit’ yer arrow."  
  
Raph chucked Kraglin’s pack at him, "Ya c’n ride bitch."  
  
"Dun make me clock ya ‘gain Raph." Yondu warned.

She huffed at him, pulled her bat and poked around the door. "Toothless? C’n ya cut this chain wit’ yer plasma knife?"  
  
"Easy." He shoved the pack onto his shoulders and walked over. Leaning up, he activated the knife and Raph stared at his ass. The man had a nice ass in all that red leather.  
  
"Ya touch his ass Raph an’ he’ll cut yer hand off."  
  
She smirked over her shoulder at Yondu, "Damn shame tha’. ‘S a real purty ass."  
  
Yondu barked out a laugh, "Ain’t no argument from me girl."  
  
"‘M literally standin’ right here Raph I c’n hear ya."  
  
She leered at him as he turned around, "Yeah I know."  
  
Kraglin turned, rolling his eyes and attempting to stifle the blush that threatened to creep up his neck, "Shut up Raph."  
  
She heard Yondu give a husky chuckle and bent down to wrench the door up. Kraglin stood at the mouth of the old garage, gun up, as Yondu silently backed the bike out into the sun.  
  
Raph rummaged around in one of her endless pockets, digging out another set of goggles and setting them on her face. She swung her leg over the other bike, kicking the stand up and following Yondu out.  
  
She smirked at the older man, switching on the ignition and revving the bike to life. Yondu gave her an answering grin as he started his own, giving the throttle a couple of quick flicks, making the engine purr loudly.  
  
Kraglin jogged to the Centaurian, swinging his long leg up and over the bike and settling behind the captain. Yondu grabbed his arms and pulled them around his waist.  
  
Raph smirked and put the bike in gear, she peeled away from the servo, pulling out her bat and clocking a zom as she passed it. Wind rushing passed her head, she whooped loudly and opened up the throttle, hearing Yondu hot on her tail.  
  
Now this was how you lived during a fucking apocalypse!

* * *

They’d stopped about a klick out from a huge pack of zoms in a small town they were passing through. A bus was overturned and there was at least fifty all milling around in a tight unit of undead bodies.  
  
"What’cha reckon Blue?" Raph asked staring at the horde.  
  
"We sure as shit can’t ride through ‘em, they’ll pull us off."  
  
"Arrow?" Kraglin asked, looking through the scope of his rifle.  
  
Yondu shook his head, "Too tightly packed, no guarantee it won’t git snapped."  
  
"So we go around." Raph said pulling up a map on a datapad.  
  
Kraglin frowned, "Hey! That’s mine!"  
  
She shrugged, "You weren’t usin’ it. Dun worry yer purty head ‘bout it ‘Less, I ain’t gon’ break it."  
  
"Good ‘cause that’s got all tha job lists on it."  
  
Yondu shot him a look, "Ya did upload ‘em ta tha central computer tho’ right?"  
  
The Hraxian looked sheepish, "Most o’ ‘em."  
  
" _Kraglin_."  
  
"I were gunna do it when we got back."  
  
Raph growled. "If ya’ll are done?" When neither of them said anything, she sneered. "Oh goodie. Thanks _so_ much." She circled an area with a finger, "These are farms," she pointed, "here an’ here, right?" She circled again around a dense area, "This is one o’ tha fields. Ya c’n see it in tha distance." She pointed to her right, through the dust and wind they could see the crops standing tall and swaying gently. "Only problem is, them crops ‘r’ a good seven foot high. So, we ain’t gon’ be able ta see through ‘em."  
  
"How’da we know there ain’t more o’ them things in there than there is out here?" Yondu muttered.  
  
Raph shrugged, "We don’t. ‘At’s tha risk. There ain’t enough space ‘tween tha houses ta go ‘round this lot," she nodded to the overturned bus, "‘less we do it on foot an’ we dunno whether or not we’ll be able ta find another workin’ vehicle."  
  
Kraglin nodded, "Fields it is then, right Cap?"  
  
Yondu assessed the situation critically, "Give us yer rifle Krags." The Hraxian handed it over and the older man brought it up to look through the scope. "Dun mean there ain’t none in ‘em, but I dun see any of them things millin’ around near tha field. Ain’t ta greatest option but ‘s tha best one we got."  
  
Raph shook the pad to dispel the projection and shoved it in her pocket. Kraglin glared and she curled her lip, sighing and handing it over.

She swung her leg over her bike and started it up. "Let’s hope there’s no crazy rednecks in there just waitin’ ta snatch us an’ make a coat outta our skins."  
  
"What tha fuck?! Why would ya say somement like that?!" Kraglin exclaimed, giving a shiver and settling behind Yondu.  
  
The Centaurian flicked the ignition and chuckled, "Shut up Raph, ya asshole."  
  
"Ya know, I think yer startin’ ta warm ta Raph an’ her shit." Kraglin said next to his ear.  
  
"What gave ya tha’ idea?" Yondu called back as he pulled off the road and into the grass.  
  
"Ya laugh e’erytime she says somement shitty."  
  
Raph revved her engine as she passed them, "Come’on, keep up losers!"

* * *

"Well, least tha power’s still on." Raph commented as they watched a zom get fried by the fence.  
  
"Ya didn’t mention it were electrified." Yondu muttered.  
  
"Ya didn’t ask." Raph stopped leaning on her bike and pulled her bat, "Kill tha ones millin’ ‘round tha fence Toothless. Blue? Watch ma back while I get tha gate open."  
  
Kraglin nudged her on his way passed, "Dun take orders from you Raph." He turned to look at Yondu, "Cap?"  
  
Raph sneered, "Stop actin’ like a puppet ‘Less, ‘s pathetic. Fuckin’ slave ta yer ‘Captain’."  
  
The Hraxian snarled going to lunge at her, she brought up her bat in warning and Yondu stepped between them. " _Enough!_ "  
  
"Ain’t about bein’ a slave ya piece o’ shit!" Kraglin snarled throwing himself at the stockier man’s shoulder. "‘S ‘bout respect. Somement ya wouldn’t know a single goddamn thing about!"  
  
Raph growled low in her throat, "Anyone I e’er had respect fer is dead! This world ain’t never give me _nothin’_. I hadda fight an’ claw ma way through just ta fuckin’ _live._ E’erythin’ I ever got was ‘causa me!" She smacked herself in the chest. " _Ma_ hard work! World don’t give ya nothin’ ‘less ya take it. Respect ain’t worth _shit_ Kraglin! Not a goddamn thing. ‘Cause respect don’t put no food on tha table. Respect don’t stop tha people ya care ‘bout from dyin’. Respect don’t give ya shit but false promises o’ somement better that ya ain’t n’er _git!_ "  
  
"Raph!" Yondu barked. "Git tha gate." The Centaurian looked over his shoulder at Kraglin, "Run tha perimeter darlin’."  
  
"Yes’sir." The Hraxian replied through gritted teeth, still glaring daggers at Raph.  
  
They stared at each other for another few moments before Kraglin pushed off Yondu and stalked away.  
  
Raph snorted, "Puppet ass pussy." Yondu punched her in the arm. " _Ow!_ Asshole!"  
  
Yondu gave her a cruel smirk and nodded towards the gate.  
  
She hissed at him, striding away and muttering to herself. She unlocked the chains and pulled open the rusty gate. She motioned for Yondu to watch her back as she moved the bikes inside. Kraglin materialised beside him and nodded, bringing his gun up and watching the right side.  
  
Once the bikes were in, both men entered her yard and Raph shut and locked the gate. She put her hands on her hips with a tired grin. "Home sweet, shitty, fuckin’ home."


	4. Shut Up Raph!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raph makes a shitty joke, and Yondu and Kraglin almost have sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Raph’s a shitty being and she says a lot of unsavoury stuff. Seeing as there’s no real derogatory terms in canon that I’m aware of I made the word ‘mutt’ extremely offensive (I think of it like the C word). Raph of course knows this and still uses it anyway because she’s an asshole.

Raph threw open the front door with a dramatic flourish that made both men shake their heads. The whole place was a shambles and smelled like mildew, engine grease, and old socks.  
  
"Raph? This place is a sty and that’s comin’ from a man who lives wit’ him." Kraglin thrust a thumb over his shoulder at Yondu.  
  
" _Oi!_ I ‘in’t that bad."  
  
"Babe, I love ya an’ all - but ‘m pretty sure yer socks became sentient an’ are declarin’ war on tha’ undershirt near ‘em."  
  
Raph snickered, "You fuckin’ fairies are too damn cute, I swear." She stepped over a muffler, three carburettors and a basket of clean washing. "Ya’ll wanna drink? Got me some whiskey in tha kitchen."  
  
Yondu nodded, picking his way through the mess effortlessly, used to it in his own cabin. Kraglin, however, tripped on the first available thing and ended up with a face full of dirty coveralls, shirts, and underwear on the couch.  
  
"Watch yer step on them pistons there Toothless."  
  
Kraglin flipped himself over and stared at the water stained ceiling. "Yeah thanks Raph." He replied dryly.  
  
Yondu’s grinning face appeared upside-down, "Ya right there darlin’?"  
  
"Peachy Cap."  
  
"Come’on then, looks like tha girl’s got some real food in that kitchen o’ hers."  
  
They made their way into the kitchen where Raph was liberally splashing some whiskey into a trio of battered tin mugs.  
  
"Ya’ll eat meat right? Ya ain’t a bunch o’ them hillbilly hippy wankers are ya?"  
  
"Charming as always Raph." Kraglin muttered snatching up a mug.  
  
Yondu snorted, "Nah girl, we ain’t nothin’ like that. Pretty sure half tha crew would eat tha dead ones if it didn’t go against tha code."  
  
Raph spluttered into her cup, "Fuckin’ ‘ell! An’ there I was thinkin’ that I were an asshole. That’s messed tha hell up!"  
  
"Welcome ta tha Ravagers." Kraglin replied dryly.  
  
"Half our no good fuckin’ crew would fry up their grandmamma an’ eat ‘er fer a measly ten units." Yondu said, downing the whiskey in one swallow. He held up the mug, making an impressed face, "That ain’t half bad Raph."  
  
She sneered, "Please Blue, I know anythin’ I know ma whiskey, right?"  
  
She clattered around the kitchen, pulling down a pan and sticking it on the stove, "So what were ya boys here fer ‘fore ya realised this shitball had gone ta hell in a handbasket?"  
  
"We was supposed ta be here fer a bounty. Some fella went by tha name Spider." Kraglin said, picking up the whiskey and sloshing more into his cup.  
  
Raph hmmmed, "I know that fucker. He owns tha bar in tha town where ya found me. Real mean sombitch, beat on his missus somement awful but no matter what ya said ta tha stupid whore she were always defendin’ ‘im like it where his right ta lay ‘is hands on ‘er like tha’. Fuckin’ mutt, no one would’a missed ‘im none."  
  
Kraglin gave Yondu a look and took a swig of his drink. She finished up the steaks in silence for once in her life and dished it up with a side of bread and some greens.  
  
"There ya go assholes. Enjoy, that’ll be our last half decent meal fer a while."  
  
"Thanks Raph." Kraglin said quietly.  
  
She rolled her eyes, "Whatever Toothless, eat yer damn food."  
  
"Shut up Raph, he were just bein’ polite." Yondu snapped.  
  
She huffed, "I told ya that shit’s lost on me, yer both just here ‘cause I made a damn deal wit’ ya ta git be offa that roof. I dun _care_ , I ain’t gon’ be nice, an’ I ain’t gon’ try git along wit’ ya’ll. Ya dun like me, that’s just fine, I dun give a shit."  
  
Kraglin slammed his knife down on the table. He stood up, chair sliding back in a godawful screech, "What tha fuck happened ta you ta make ya so goddamn toxic Raph?"

Her own chair flew back as she came around the table to get in his face, "Ya wanna know? Ya _really_ wanna know?!"  
  
Yondu leaned back - munching on the bread - to watch them.  
  
"Yeah, I fuckin’ do!"  
  
Raph’s face twisted into something that could be described as heartbroken, "I ain’t no fuckin’ soldier ok? I dun want ta go ta war everyday wit’ people, but that’s how they treat me! ‘M fuckin’ trash ta them! I ain’t trash - I - I ain’t! ‘M just a mum. Was - was - a m-m-mum. _Fuck!_ "  
  
Kraglin face morphed into slack jawed shock, "Raph -"  
  
"No! Ok ya dun git ta feel sorry fer me! I dun deserve it! Ya know what ‘s like ta have two kids in an apocalypse, huh? They’re dead! My - my husband tried - he - _oh god_ \- he tried to give me her. She were so little. She couldn’t defend herself. She were only six months old. I tried - I tried ta git ta them. There were too many. My other daughter she were just eight years old. _Eight!_ She ran ta save her Daddy an’ I couldn’t - couldn’t stop ‘er. By - by tha time I killed ‘em all, e’ryone I cared about were dead. There were barely enough o’ their bodies left ta burry. So dun ok? Dun ya dare feel sorry fer me ‘cause I couldn’t save ‘em I couldn’t protect ‘em. ‘S ma fault."  
  
Kraglin made a pained sound and scooped her up in his thin arms, "It ain’t. It ain’t yer fault. Ya did everythin’ ya could an’ it weren’t enough but it ain’t never yer fault."  
  
Raph made an overly dramatic sobbing sound and Yondu narrowed his eyes. When she began to laugh, Kraglin looked down confused.  
  
"I can’t believe ya fell fer that Toothless! God almighty yer a dumb ass."  
  
Kraglin shoved her away, eyes glittering. Without a word he stormed out the front door slamming it loudly.  
  
Raph was grinning and wiped under her eye, "What’s up his ass? It were just a joke."  
  
Yondu looked up at her from the table, "There’s some things ya shouldn’t be jokin’ about Raph. Kraglin lost his entire family in a riot on Hrax a few years back. We didn’t make it. His momma commed us in a right panic and we tried - but we didn’t make it."  
  
Raph looked like she felt a little bad for all of two seconds before the sneer slid back in place, "Whatever Blue." She clattered up the stairs leaving Yondu alone in the kitchen.  
  
Kraglin found her in her room about an hour later, she was staring at a battered picture in her hands and twirling around a little circle of metal in her fingers.  
  
"Who’s that?" He asked quietly, leaning against the doorframe.  
  
She spun around, swearing and shoving both into her endless pockets, "None o’ yer goddamn business." She snarled.  
  
Kraglin sighed, "Truce?"  
  
Raph frowned at him, "Wha’?"  
  
"I promise not ta push yer buttons no more if ya dun push mine."  
  
"What makes ya think I’ll agree ta that?"  
  
"Look - ya may be a caustic lil’ redneck but I know ya got feelin’s in there somewhere. I ain’t sayin’ we need ta be buddies or whatever just - we gotta work tagether ‘til this is over."  
  
Raph sighed, "Yeah - yeah alrigh’ Toothless, ya got yer truce."  
  
"Yondu’s on tha patio out our window fer first watch, we gotta in case tha power goes out. Ya wanna take second?"  
  
She nodded, "Sure Toothless, ya need yer beauty sleep ya ugly sombitch."  
  
The words didn’t have the same barbs as previously and Kraglin snorted - it wasn’t much but he’d take it.  
  
"Please, ya looked in tha mirror? Hundrit years an’ ya’d still be ugly as fuck."  
  
She grinned flipping him the bird, "‘M tha prettiest damn thing on this planet boy, ain’t ma fault yer a fairy." She walked over and squeezed his shoulder gently, "Glad we has an understandin’." She shoved him out the door, "Now git out." The door slammed.  
  
Kraglin chuckled and headed off to get some sleep.

Raph did her best to creep passed a snoring Kraglin as she stepped out the window and onto the patio. "Hey Blue."  
  
Yondu looked up from the battered lawn chair and smirked, "Hey Raph. Ma watch over?"  
  
"Yeah." She replied as she sat in the chair next to him.  
  
He continued to stare out into the night. Raph followed his eyes, seeing a woman shambling along under the street light. "Look at this sad sack." She continued to watch as the zom shuffled about aimlessly. "Kinda seems like she’s waitin’ fer somement don’t it?" After a minute or so a man built like a brick shit house in a bloody set of coveralls shambled near to her. "Oh here comes another one."  
  
She glanced at Yondu who was still watching them, she smirked dropping into a gruff drawling accent, "He ain’t comin’ Sheryl."  
  
She tipped into a high airy voice, "Shut up Mike he is."  
  
"Ya need a real man, sugartits."  
  
"What would you know about a real man Mike, you’re a pig!"  
  
Raph smiled as they shambled closer to each other.  
  
"I wouldn’t leave a beautiful woman like ya hangin’ sweetheart. I’d show ya what a real man is."  
  
"Oh Mike we shouldn’t! He’ll be here any second."  
  
"Let ‘im come darlin’, see how a real man treats a lady."  
  
She made dramatic kissing sounds and Yondu chuckled lowly. She started rocking her chair back and forth, the hinges squeaking.  
  
" _Oh Mike!_ "  
  
" _Oh Sheryl!_ "  
  
Yondu was full on laughing now, stifling the sound with his fist. "Shut up Raph, ya ass."  
  
She dissolved into chuckles, "Go git some sleep Blue. I’ll keep watch ‘til it’s Toothless’ turn."  
  
Yondu nodded and stood, "Come git us if ya need anythin’."  
  
She waved him away, "G’wan ol’ man, ‘fore ya fall down."  
  
Yondu pulled himself in the window, shucked off his coat and boots, sliding into the bed next to his first mate. Kraglin started awake, squinting at him, "Babe?"  
  
Yondu shushed him, "Go back ta sleep darlin’."  
  
Kraglin shuffled down under the covers, wrapping himself around Yondu and putting his head on the older man’s chest. "Called a truce wit’ Raph earlier."  
  
"Did ya?" The Centaurian replied carding his hands through Kraglin’s gelled locks.  
  
"Yeah, saw her lookin’ at a photo an’ holdin’ some circle o’ metal."  
  
"A weddin’ ring."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Yondu shrugged, "‘S like a bondmark fer some species, means ya given yerself ta someone."  
  
"Oh. Ya - ya think what she said ‘bout her family were true?" Kraglin asked quietly. Yondu had a sort of sixth sense when it came to reading people, if anyone would know it’d be him.  
  
"Yeah - I think they gone - but they been gone a long time. It weren’t a recent thing."  
  
"What ya think happened ta ‘em?"  
  
"I dunno." He sighed. "Dunno if we’ll ever know."  
  
"This whole thing’s insane ain’t it? Tha dead gittin’ back up after ya offed ‘em."  
  
Yondu hmmmed quietly, "Makes ya grateful fer what ya do have I s’pose."  
  
"Reckon Raph’ll come wit’ us if we git back ta tha _Eclector?_ "  
  
" _When_ we do ya mean. I ain’t gittin’ bit an’ neither are you."  
  
Kraglin looked up at him with those big watery eyes. Those big, stupid, trusting eyes - like he’d hung the damn stars and Yondu scooped him up, kissing him hard.  
  
Suddenly all the stress, the craziness - everything was poured out between them and Kraglin slid himself between Yondu’s legs to grind against the older man. Yondu moaned and pushed his hips up into Kraglin’s as pale fingers tugged at the buckles on his vest.  
  
"You gon’ invite me ta tha party boy or am I just gon’ sit out here and jill off ta tha sounds o’ you two fuckin’?"  
  
Both men froze, staring at each other.  
  
They’d forgotten about Raph.  
  
Yondu started laughing and Kraglin snorted before joining in.  
  
"Hey - ya know that weren’t a rhetorical question-"  
  
"Shut up Raph!" They said in unison.  
  
" _Rude!_ " She huffed.  
  
Yondu pecked Kraglin on the lips gently, "We should pro’ly sleep darlin’."  
  
Kraglin sighed, "Yeah, yer right."  
  
"Aww hell, did I ruin you boy’s moment?"  
  
They smiled at each other knowingly, both opening their mouths at the same time.  
  
"Shut up Raph!"


	5. Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yondu shares, Raph does too, and Kraglin turns insightful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up here; there’s some mention of attempted assault, slavery, torture and child death in this chapter. It’s just mentioned as part of the characters backstories, but if that kind of thing is triggering, please, *please* exercise caution with this chapter. I don’t want to cause issues for anyone. With that being said, enjoy the angst…

Raph was humming something tunelessly when Yondu stepped into the house’s only bathroom. She saw the silhouette through the shower curtain and shrieked. Poking her head out, she scowled at the Ravager.

“What tha hell ya think yer doin’, Blue?”

“Takin’ a piss, woman.”

Raph rolled her eyes, sticking her head back behind the curtain, “Can’t a lady git a lil’ privacy?”

Yondu snorted as he flushed the toilet, “Ain’t no ladies here.”

Raph’s bark of laughter echoed around the room, “Can’t argue wit’ ya there.”

She heard the water run and peaked her head out again. Yondu’s scarf was on the mirror as he washed his face. She noted the scarring around his neck.

“Yondu.” She said seriously, “Them’s slave collar scars.”

His head jerked up to look at her reflection in the mirror, “Yeah. Kree. Twenty years.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.” He continued to stare at her through the mirror.

“Were ya one o’ them pretty one they paraded around tha markets buck nekkid an’ covered in jewels?”

He shook his head, “Fought in tha arenas.”

“Battle slave then.” He nodded. “I went ta one o’ those once. Most fucked up thing I ever seen. I did a real good payin’ job fer a Kree – asked me ta deliver straight ta Hala. Then he asks me ta an arena battle an’ I thought – sure, could be a way ta git more high payin’ jobs.” Her eyes went curiously vacant, like she was reliving it. “I didn’t know they was slaves ‘til I seen tha collars an’ tha whips. They had a reignin’ champ – he weren’t there tho’ – guess he mighta died or somement. 53429.” Yondu flinched violently. “I ain’t ne’er worked wit’ Kree since.”

He leaned over the sink, staring at his hands. “Say ma name Raph.”

She snorted, “Kinky.”

His eyes shot up to hers and he snarled. The smile dropped off Raph’s face and she regarded him seriously.

“Yondu Udonta.”

“Say it slower.” He gritted out.

“Yon-du Ud-on-ta.”

He raised a brow and she frowned.

“Yon Du Ud On Ta.” Her eyes widened. “Holy shit that’s Kree. 5-3-4-2-9.” She watched him repeat the number with her in the mirror. “ _You_ were the champ.”

“Yeah.” He turned, leaning on the sink and crossing his arms. “I shared. Now it’s yer turn.”

Raph shrugged, poking her head back in the shower and rinsing her hair. “’S only fair.”

“Why dun ya like guns?”

Yondu watched her silhouette freeze, “What,” her tone was brittle, “ya ain’t gon’ ask me why I who I am or how I got ta be so – what Toothless call me – _toxic_?”

“Nope.”

She sighed heavily, and Yondu saw her lean against the wall through the curtain. “When daddy died, momma married a spacer. He fed ‘er all these stories ‘bout how he were gon’ git us off this planet an’ we was all gon’ travel tha stars – our life were gon’ be better than we ever dreamed.” She took a shaky breath, “It were all lies. Every single thing. He were drinker – violent when he got ‘nough in ‘im. Momma worked three jobs ta support us all – then one day she ain’t never come home. She got tha hell out an’ just – abandoned us. We wasn’t tha best kids ‘at’s fer sure – but she just – _left_. He blamed us – beat on us – I had’ta drop outta school ta git a job. Then one day – I –” she stopped. Yondu watched her head drop down and heard her breath hitch. He stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. “He decided I had ta give him what he needed – ‘cause our no good rotten momma left him wit’ her brats. He tried ta force me down onta tha couch – my lil’ brother came in like a goddamn bat outta hell an’ started hittin’ ‘im wit’ his lil’ fists, screamin’ at him ta leave me alone. That’s when he pulled out a gun an’ – I – I think he were just tryin’ ta scare ‘im – but he were so drunk – he – tha safety were off – he – he shot Wade right in tha face. Seven years old an’ dead ‘cause he tried ta help his sister. I ran. I ran an’ ain’t never looked back.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “That’s why I dun like guns.”

“That’s rough.”

“Dun’chu dare _pity_ me Blue, that were tha cards I got dealt, an’ I live wit’ it e’eryday.”

“Still ain’t right.” He paused, giving a small smirk. “Dun worry, I dun pity ya none – ‘cause yer a bitch.”

Raph laugh was brittle and slightly pained - still didn't stop her from chucking something at him. Yondu ducked as the soap sailed through the shower curtain and clattered into the sink. He chuckled, shaking his head and walking out.

“ _Oi!_ Give that back Blue! Blue?” She scoffed. “Rat bastard.”

* * *

Raph fixed the final pack to the back of her bike and sighed, looking up at the house.

It was old.

It was shit.

But it had been _hers_.

“Ya know, I might actually miss this place.”

Kraglin snickered. “It suits ya, that’s fer sure.”

Raph sneered giving him the finger, then she brought it up to the side of her mouth and mimed giving head.

Yondu barked out a laugh and shook his head and Kraglin grinned, “Yer an asshole Raph.”

She smirked, “Face it Toothless, I’m growin’ on you’s like an STD, I c’n tell.”

The Hraxian swung his leg over Yondu's bike and flipped her off, "Shut up Raph, ya shit."

"Ready Blue?"

The Centaurian nodded, "Lead tha way girl."

* * *

Raph frowned turning the projection sideways. "Right. So we's here an' we gotta git there."  
  
"Uh - Raph?" Kraglin started.  
  
She ignored him, "If we take tha short way we's gotta go through another town. It's only small so it shouldn't have too many zoms. There'll be somewhere we c'n hold up fer tha night too, 'cause -"  
  
"Raph!" Yondu barked.  
  
She whipped out her bat and swung it behind her, it connected with a sickening crack. Blood sprayed across her back and the datapad, she replaced the bat back in the holster without looking up and wiped the mess of congealed gunk off the screen. "Keep yer knickers on girls." Raph tossed the datapad at Kraglin and started up her bike. "Should be another two hours. We'll hafta push it if we wanna git there before dark. Le's go!"

* * *

It was already dusk by the time they reached the outskirts of town. Raph had wanted to keep going to get to the small convenience store in the middle of the main street, but Yondu point blank refused, stating it was too much of a risk. They'd found an old farmhouse just inside the town limits, it was old and run down, but looked secure enough.

“Thoughts?” Raph muttered lowly, crouched behind her bike. Those godawful screeching sounds were getting closer and she didn’t like it one bit.

“It’ll hafta do.” Yondu murmured back from beside her, “We ain’t riding through this hell at night.” He glanced over at Kraglin, “Raph an’ I’ll take point, ya watch our asses goddit?”

Determined reflective pupils caught his bioluminescent ones and a single nod confirmed the Centaurian’s orders.

“Raph, take left.”

“Yes’sir Cap’n’sir.”

Yondu glared. This was _not_ the time for Raph’s bullshit.

She rolled her eyes and huffed quietly, “A’right. Yeah. Le’s do it.”

Silently they moved forwards, each bracing a shoulder on either side of the door. Raph reached out a cautious hand and tried the doorknob. It turned easily, and she shoved it open stepping into the doorway.

The sight inside wasn’t pretty.

Two small kids – girls if the skirts and long hair were anything to go by – were crouched over the carcass of a scruffy looking dog. A tall, lithe man shambled towards her with a hindquarter hanging from a gnarled hand.

The sight of them – a family – undead and stinking – froze her up and she stood in the doorway blankly.

Yondu, seeing her freeze, barged passed and whistled, running the undead trio through quickly. Once he’d confirmed they were dead he rounded on Raph with a force he only used for the biggest fuck ups on his crew.

“What in tha _fuck’s_ tha matter wit’ you?! Ya’d be dead right now if it weren't fer me! What tha hell was ya thinkin’?! Ya can’t just freeze like tha’ Raph, yer gon’ git us all killed!”

She was unnervingly quiet and Yondu frowned.

“Raph?”

Her eyes raised from the two dead girls, shimmering with unshed tears.

“’M sorry.”

The Centaurian balked, “ _What?_ ”

Raph’s breathing hitched roughly, “’M sorry.” With that, she barged passed him and into the back of the house.

Yondu blinked dumbly.

Raph. Didn’t. Apologise.

Kraglin closed the door and bolted it firmly, coming over to stand in front of the captain, “Two girls and a man.” He said quietly. “That’s bang on wit’ that ‘bullshit’ she spun back at ‘er place.” He looked Yondu calmly in the eyes, “Maybe ‘at shit she told us weren’t so far off tha truth, Cap’n.”

The Centaurian closed his eyes briefly and cursed. He turned and made to go after her but was stopped by a pale hand. “I’ll go.”

Yondu shook his head, “It’s me who gone a fuckin’ chewed her out -”

“Which is ‘sactly why she won’t wanna talk ta ya right now. ‘S a’right, I’ll go.”

The older man sighed and waved him off.

* * *

The smell of mildew and wood rot was strangely soothing to Raph. After finding the circuit breaker in the basement, mercifully they had power. It amazed her to no end that Kraglin not only knew how to operate the electrics but knew exactly what was wrong as well.  
  
These fucking spacers were full of surprises and goddamnit if the pair of fairies weren't starting to grow on her. Absently she was slightly worried she might actually start to give a shit about the big blue primitive and his beanpole boyfriend.  
  
She was more worried about their dwindling food and ammo supplies which is why she'd pushed for the convenience store tonight. The frequent godawful moans outside told her - much to her disgust - that Blue had made the right call. Towns meant people, and people meant zoms and getting bit wasn't her idea of a fucking good time.

Light flooded the corner of the back room of the little house. Raph blinked several times, dispelling the spots from her eyes, then reached for her pack.  
  
The tank top she was currently sporting was covered in gore, she wanted to get rid of the damn smell. That was the thing about zoms - the stench of rotten - of death. That was something no one could get used to.  
  
She was halfway through putting on a clean shirt when she heard the cartridge of a rifle wind up. Freezing, she waited.  
  
"That's a bite."  
  
_Damn._  
  
Raph closed her eyes and sighed, "Yeah it is." She slowly pulled the shirt down. "You gon' shoot me Kraglin?"  
  
"It's almost healed."  
  
"Yeah." She turned to face him.

The gun was lowered slightly, "That's why they chained ya ta tha roof. It weren't 'cause yer an asshole, it were 'cause ya got bit."  
  
Raph sneered, "It's a goddamn dog bite. I were lookin' fer more water fer tha group I was wit'. This fuckin' great hulkin' dog came outta nowhere, latched itself ta ma spine an' wouldn't let tha fuck go. I hadda beat tha bastard ta death wit' ma bat. I didn't say nothin' ta them at first 'cause it weren't a big deal, then they seen me washin' off in one o' tha rooms in tha buildin' ya found me on. I tried ta tell 'em it weren't no zom bite, but they wouldn't believe me."  
  
"Why didn't ya say nothin' ta us?"  
  
"'Cause I dun wanna die on this piece o' shit planet! If I'd told ya'll tha truth ya wouldn'ta believed me. Ya would'a done what they done - left me - or shot me." Kraglin opened his mouth and she cut him off with a glare. "Dun even pretend like ya wouldn'ta - 'cause ya know that ain't true."  
  
Kraglin lowered the rifle completely and it hung limply at his side. "Maybe - maybe not. Maybe us findin' ya is yer second chance."  
  
Her eyes narrowed, "What tha fuck ya on about?"  
  
"Maybe it's yer chance ta stop bein' a asshole an' start bein' - bein' _you_."  
  
A smirk drifted across her lips, "Ya become a prophet in tha last twenty minutes? That's deep Toothless - _real deep_."  
  
"Dun mock me when 'm tryin' ta help ya Raph."  
  
She chuckled, "I been an asshole ma whole life Kraglin. I dunno how ta be nothin' else."  
  
He shrugged, "Maybe ya should try."  
  
Raph grinned at him, "How'd ya become a space pirate? Yer way too - nice."  
  
Kraglin frowned, "I ain't nice." He shook his head, "I guess I got a persona like ya do. This is me - this is who Yondu sees when tha door ta our cabin closes. E'eryone else sees tha first mate, tha guy who'll rip out yer heart an' feed it to ya. I guess that's me too - but a different part - ya know?"  
  
"Ya show only what ya want people ta see."  
  
He nodded, "I guess - yeah."  
  
She blinked at him slowly, "Ya know - there's a lot more ta ya than I give ya credit fer. I might go as far as ta say I actually like ya. Yer interestin'."  
  
"Uh - thanks?"  
  
Raph grinned, "But if ya point a gun at me again I'll cut yer fuckin' goolies off goddit?"  
  
Kraglin chuckled, "Got it."  
  
"Come'on let's go find yer big blue boyfriend, maybe he's got some deep shit he wants ta share. Seems ta be tha day fer it."  
  
The Hraxian followed her out, rolling his eyes. Honestly, since he'd met this backwater bitch he'd lost count of how many times he'd rolled his eyes, but he was sure pretty soon he'd strain something if she kept up her shit. Despite everything, the sentence held a trace of fond exasperation when it left his mouth, "Shut up Raph.”


	6. Shit on a Stick an' Pumpkin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which shit happens, Raph flips, Yondu fixes it, and Kraglin hotwires a truck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel very accomplished, I wrote this chapter in one day. This is the first time I’ve touched this story since July and damn peeps it feels good. I’ve missed writing so so so much since my computer crapped out a while back and oh my, I feel so damn happy :) Much love to ya’ll.

Raph haphazardly shoved their breakfast dishes out of the way and dropped Kraglin’s – now slightly battered – datapad onto the table. “Right,” she said, all business, as the other two leaned over it with her, “There’s no food here.  A few bottles of water an’ a couple o’ cartridges fer Toothless’ rifle there but ‘at’s it. As much as none o’ us like it – we gotta find more food an’ water.” She pointed to the map, “This ‘ere was where I were tryin’ ta git us last night.  It’s tha local convenience store.  This town don’t got much, ‘cause it’s so damn small, but I been up here ta fix people’s motors on occasion so I know that store. It’s got food, water an’ Ralph kept ammo in tha back.  If we c’n git there, we c’n see what’s left an’ take it.  We gotta hustle tho’ ‘cause we ain’t got much time left.  If we dun make tha LZ by tha time that last ship takes off, we’re proper fucked. I say we go fer it. Git in, git out – real clean like.”

Yondu eyed the map with a frown, “We should just keep goin’. That’s in tha centre o’ town.  All them - _things_ will collect there in a bigass horde.”

Raph rolled her eyes, “ _Zombies_ , Blue. Say it wit’ me.”

Kraglin snorted and the older man shot him a mild glare.

Raph huffed, “Look if we ain’t got no food, we ain’t got tha strength ta fight our way through if we gotta. What tha fuck we gon’ eat? Shit on a stick an’ pumpkin? Not ta mention, if we ain’t got no water, we ain’t gon’ git very far neither.  Way I see it – we ain’t got no other options.”

The Centaurian cursed. “A’right. We go fer tha store.”

They packed up quickly and efficiently and headed out.

The ten-minute ride was spattered with zombies milling around aimlessly, easily avoidable on their bikes.

Kraglin was just starting to believe everything was going their way when Raph screeched to a halt as they turned onto the main street.

Hundreds of zombies clumped together in a horde – right in front of where they needed to go.

The sound of the bikes and Raph’s screeching halt alerted the whole pack and they began to shamble towards the sound, teeth bared and snarling.

Yondu cursed viciously and turned to look at Raph, she looked _pissed_.

Kraglin reached underneath the Centaurian’s arm and opened up the throttle, “GUN IT!”

The two bikes took off and roared through the pack. Kraglin shot as many as he could, while Yondu whistled and Raph swung her bat around frantically.

An unfortunate undead ended up caught under Raph’s front wheel and the bike slid from underneath her. The jacket she wore tore as her back hit the bitumen, and she slid under the legs of another zombie. Her heart leapt into her throat and she thought briefly that being ripped to pieces and eaten wasn’t exactly the way she wanted to go, when a blue hand gripped her boot and pulled her out of the crowd.

Once Yondu had pulled her through, Kraglin yanked her up and they sprinted towards the store.  Kraglin hit the door with the force of a tornado and wrenched the thing open, just about knocking himself out in the process. They piled in and slammed it, Kraglin and Raph tugging a shelf in front of it, Yondu quickly barred the windows with a fridge and a shelf and they stood panting for a few seconds.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

Three shoppers and what was left of Ralph all suddenly appeared from different isles closing in on the trio, Yondu whistled a woman through as the other one grabbed the back of his coat, Raph pulled her bat and embedded it into the man’s head. Kraglin kicked one back as the burly shop owner snarled and grabbed his arms. Raph dropped the bat and pulled out her bow shooting Ralph between the eyes. Kraglin shoved the bastard off as the final zombie clawed at his boot.  He snarled viciously and brought the other foot down on the woman’s nose.  There was a sickening crunch and a weak gurgle before the shop was totally silent.

Yondu _exploded_.

“Well this ended _real_ good Raph! Real _fuckin’_ good! Food an’ water ain’t no good to us if we’re DEAD!” He barked, snarling and curling back his lip.

_This whole experience ain’t sat too well wit’ ‘is nerves_ , Kraglin thought absently as he watched the man practically foam at the mouth.

“OH! Well excuse tha _FUCK_ outta ME! I were tryin’ ta –”

Yondu flung his arms out, “’Cause that’s gone _so_ well fer ya so far!”

Raph’s eyes narrowed, and she opened her mouth again but Kraglin beat her to it.

“RAPH! Shut up!” His eyes went to the Centaurian, “Yondu all yer yellin’ is just gonna bring mor’a them things over here so zip it!”

A brow was raised and Kraglin rolled his eyes, “There ain’t no crew down ‘ere babe – just you an’ me – an’ Raph. ‘Less we find a way outta here, we’s all dead.”

Raph heaved in a laboured breath and turned, striding quickly into the back of the shop.

Kraglin watched her go. With a sigh he took the rifle off his back, “As much sarcasm as that woman projects – she’s handling this situation ‘bout as well as we are – moments o’ sheer terror, punctuated by occasional bouts o’ adrenalin an’ internal screamin’.” Yondu snorted loudly and Kraglin smirked, “Ya go after her. I’ll make sure none o’ them fuckers git through tha barriers.”

Yondu nodded, he hesitated as he turned, suddenly striding over and kissing Kraglin soundly. “I dun tell ya this enough but – yer a treasure darlin’ an’ I love ya.”

Kraglin blushed. “Ol’ sap. Go’on.” The older man turned and made his way to the back of the shop. “Yondu?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you too.”

The Centaurian smiled and opened the door marked ‘employees only’.

Raph was in a right state, pacing back and forth, muttering to herself. Yondu leaned against the doorframe and waited.

Her emotions went nuclear seconds later and she threw her hands in the air with a hopeless wail, "Everythin' I ever done fucked up on me! E'ery single mistake. Ma da died, ma momma left, ma brother died, ma family -" She trailed off, punching the wall viciously.  
  
The Centaurian sighed, and looked at her seriously, “Who ya are is built from tha mistakes ya make."  
  
The woman curled in on herself, "'M nothin' but a fuck up."  
  
"'At's why we git second chances Raph. I got mine when I were freed. I spent twenty years as a goddamn Kree battle slave, but I picked ma sorry ass up an’ got tha fuck on wit’ it. Now I got crew an’ I got a mate, an’ I make ma own path.”

Raph sniffed pathetically and Yondu sighed, crossing the room and enveloping her in a hug. “Yer mor’n yer mistakes Raph, yer who ya are ‘cause o’ them an’ ya should wear ‘em wit’ honour.” He paused for a minute as her shoulders shook silently. Once she’d calmed some he rubbed her back in that rough, awkward way of his and stepped back. “Now - ya gunna be an asshole or ya gunna climb down off yer pity pot an' fuckin' fix shit?"  
  
She chuckled ruefully, "What's that sayin'? Ya c'n love a monster, it c'n even love ya back, but that don't change its nature. I may be an asshole but fuck me sideways 'm gon' git us off this goddamn shithole if it kills me."  
  
Yondu slapped her shoulder and grinned, "'At's tha spirit. Now - find us a way outta here.”

Raph scrubbed at her face roughly, took a deep breath and nodded.  Her face took on a determined look and she strode out into the main area of the store. “Right. We’s proper fucked – but we’re gon’ git it sorted. Kraglin! You look fer food, anythin’ an’ e’erythin’ ya c’n carry. Yondu! Yer on findin’ us some water, check tha shelves fer bottles, check tha taps ta see if they’re still workin’ fill as many as ya can an’ chuck ‘em in this bag.” She dumped a duffel onto the floor. “Imma git us that ammo an’ find a way outta here. We gotta do this fast, them shelves won’t hold that many zoms fer long.” Raph turned and walked back the way she came.

Kraglin raised his eyebrows, “Well, fuck. What’chu say ta ‘er Cap’n?”

Yondu shrugged as he combed the shelves for water bottles, “Just told ‘er ta git off her pity pot an’ fuckin’ fix shit.”

The Hraxian snickered, “Well – it fuckin’ worked.” He loaded some cans into his pack, “Hey – hang on – she called us both by our names.”

Yondu’s smirking face peered around the corner, “Think she’s finally taken a likin’ to us eh, Toothless?”

The Hraxian groaned, “Dun you fuckin’ start wit’ that.”

Fifteen minutes later Raph entered, grinning ear to ear.

“I found us an out that don’t involve gittin’ out tha’ door.”

Yondu stuffed the last of the water into the duffel and zipped it up, “What’s tha plan then?”

“In tha back there’s a ladder which leads ta tha roof, there’s a fire escape leadin’ down ta tha ground behind tha shop.” She grinned, “An’ tha cherry on tha top of this clusterfuck my lovely pissants is – Ralph’s truck out there – pro’ly ain’t been touched since tha start o’ this thing.”

The Centaurian smirked, “Good work Raph. Krags, darlin’ – ya got enough food?” The younger man hitched the backpack up on his shoulders and nodded. “A’right. Let’s get tha fuck outta here.”

Raph led them into the back where she stood next to the ladder, arms out, grinning, “Ta da!”

Yondu snorted and shook his head, “Well what ya waitin’ fer? Women folk first.”

“O’course. Toothless? Off ya go.”

Kraglin glared at her, “Shut up Raph, ya jerk.”

She snickered, “Ya’ll just make it too damn easy.” When neither man moved she rolled her eyes, “A’right ‘m goin’.”

Half way up she turned to see them, side by side, watching her and she growled, “Ma ass ain’t a goddamn museum exhibit, git tha fuck on this ladder or I’ll leave ya both ta die.”

“Funny,” Kraglin remarked causally, “she wanted ta fuck us both a couple days ago.” Yondu made a quiet noise of agreement.

Raph huffed, “That’s ‘fore I realised how fuckin’ annoyin’ ya’ll are.”

“We’re honestly hurt Raph.” The Hraxian replied dryly.

“Right cut up we are.” Yondu added with a smirk.

“Fer fuck sake, git on tha damn ladder!” The woman growled.

Yondu barked out a laugh and stepped up to the rungs, Kraglin on his heels.

“O' all tha people ta git stuck wit' in an apocalypse an' I git stuck wit' a smart ass spear chuckin’ dickhead an’ a smarmy beanpole. Assholes.”

“Ya really need ta come up wit’ somement new Raph. Those ones just ain’t hurtin’ _real purty_ no more.”

“Fuck up Blue!” When Kraglin snickered, she added, “You too Toothless!”

They made it onto the roof and down the fire escape with no issues.

Of course, the goddamn truck had to be locked didn’t it?

Raph cursed when the handle didn’t budge and stepped back scratching a painfully bitten nail across her eyebrow in thought.

Yondu looked around and spied a rock, he picked it up and went to lob it when Raph caught his arm, “Dun do that, ya utter moron!”

“What?”

She gave him a disbelieving look, “ _Seriously_? Fuckin’ell yer dumb as shit! Breakin’ tha window is gon’ attract zoms! Not only that, if ya break tha window, tha window ain’t there no more, which means them stinkin’ shit stains c’n reach in tha window an’ pull yer stupid blue head off.”

The Centaurian shrugged a shoulder, “Ya got me there. Fair point.”

Raph was gearing up for another round of insults when the door of the car clicked and swung open. She looked down to see Kraglin grinning, harsh desert sun glinting off his teeth.

“Tha fuck ya do that?” She asked with a frown.

He waved the multitool in his hand, and replied, “Uh – Ravager?” as if that explained everything.

Raph shrugged, “Git in morons, let’s go.”

As Kraglin hotwired the truck, Raph patted her pockets. “Damn think tha horde claimed ma lighter.”

The truck started and Kraglin gave Yondu a smirk in the rear-view mirror, “’At’s a’right Raph, Cap’n’s got ya, ain’t ya babe?”

“Sure do.” He unsheathed his arrow and whistled at a low pitch.  The arrowhead burst into flames and Raph jumped.

“Fuck me!”

Yondu chuckled, “No thank ya, but ya c’n light yer death stick now.”

Raph sneered, “Funny – asswipe.” She leaned over the seat and light her cigarette and inhaled deeply. “’At’s tha stuff. Ta Blue.”

Kraglin put the car into drive and pulled out of the lot, and onto the road.

“Keep followin’ this one. It’ll take us back ta tha highway.”

“Yes’ma’am.”

Raph flipped on the stereo and started singing tunelessly to the terrible country music.

Yondu sneered and Kraglin flipped the switch, turning it off again.

“Hey! Fuck you Toothless, I were listenin’ ta that!”

Kraglin flipped her off with a smirk, “Shut up Raph.”


	7. One of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raph finally tells her story, and Yondu and Kraglin make a vow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings here; Raph tells her story and it is not pretty, it has mentions of murder, child death, arson, wrongful imprisonment, abuse, mental and emotional abuse and many other unhappy things. Please don’t read if this is a trigger for you. Heavy on the angst and grief in this chapter. I’m sorry :( and I promise this story ends on a good note, even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.

Raph secured the cellar door of the garage with a thick metal bar as Yondu lit the final gas lamp, basking the room in an eerie glow. “I say we make a push ta tha LZ tomorrow. We’re close ‘nough ta make it.”

Kraglin sighed, dropping heavily onto an upturned crate, “Fuckin’ hell – it’s almost over. N’er thought I’d be happy ta see tha inside o’ tha ship but – _shit_ – it’s gon’ be good ta git home.”

Yondu slapped him on the shoulder, dropping onto the swag they’d found in the back of the truck, “Ya ain’t wrong darlin’.” He reached forwards, grabbing the duffel they’d filled back at the town, he rooted around in it and came up grinning, a bottle of whiskey between his grubby fingers.

Raph smirked as she sat down and leaned against the shelf next to him, “Now we’re fuckin’ talkin’, damn Blue, that there whiskey is lookin’ mighty fine.”

The Centaurian cracked the cap and took a swig, handing it to Kraglin who followed suit.

Raph sneered, “Dun hog it all ya pricks.”

Yondu snickered, taking another swig, he held it out of reach as she took a swipe at it. The older man laughed as she crawled across his legs to grab it. He handed it off to a sniggering Kraglin who held it away from her. Raph stood up, stomping over and grabbing his arm. She still couldn’t reach it as the Hraxian’s arms were ridiculously long, so the woman smirked evilly and grabbed a handful of his junk. Kraglin yelped as she squeezed roughly.

“Now I have ya by yer gentleman parts, ya gon’ play nice an’ gimme tha’ bottle?”

Kraglin nodded and handed her the whiskey.

Yondu was in fits, holding his stomach. He composed himself enough to snort out, “Our Raph plays rough dun she?” Before loosing it again, cackling madly.

Raph smiled triumphantly and took a swig, while Kraglin glared at Yondu for laughing, nursing his injured bits in a large palm.

The bottle was passed around companionably after that, and Kraglin broke the long silence, “Raph?”

“Hmm?”

“That picture an’ tha weddin’ ring I saw ya wit’ – that were yer family, right?”

Her face took on a guarded look, “Yeah, what of it?”

“What really happened ta ‘em?”

Raph took a swig of the whiskey Yondu just handed her, eyes suddenly sad and vacant. “It weren’t no zoms that got ‘em.” She stared into one of the lamps, “I were married once, ma man’s name were Tony an’, had me two lil’ girls – Arabella who were eight, an’ Mayan who were just a lil’n – six months ol’. We was happy. We weren’t no rich family, or successful neither – but we did ok. Tony was a cook at tha local diner an’ I were a mechanic at tha garage in town. It were a real small town we lived in, ‘bout half a hour outta tha place ya found me in.  There were maybe like four hundrit people in tha whole place – just a small lil’ spit fuck town.” She looked down at her hands. “They was awful gossips tho’ – if’n ya listened ta tha tales they spun – ma momma were a - _whore_ an’ da – they said da were a drunk – he weren’t never an’ momma weren’t no whore neither.  Tha’ piece o’ shit I called a step-father weren’t n’er brought up on charges fer ma brother Wade’s death either, reckon he spun some shit ‘bout ‘im playin’ wit’ tha gun ‘er whatnot an’ it were ruled as an accident.”

She spat on the concrete and sneered. “ _Fucker_.” Raph was silent a moment before continuing, “Anyhow, I were considered no good trash by them people,” she scoffed, “they weren’t no better than I were, just ‘cause I dropped outta school an’ didn’t fit in wit’ there fuckin’ ideals it meant I were shit ta them, opinionated dickheads.  Git this right? There were even a rumour goin’ ‘round tha’ ma husband was actually ma brother an’ that our kids were inbred.  We was shunned a lot – that’s tha type o’ people ma town were filled wit’.  There was a few good eggs here an’ there – but most o’ ‘em were assholes.  We may have been tha scorn o’ tha town – but ma lil’ family was happy, we was still doin’ good, despite it all.”

She pulled the picture out of her ripped jacket and handed it to Yondu, “’At’s ‘em.”

The Centaurian gave a sad smile, “Them kids is cute Raph.”

Kraglin leaned over Yondu’s shoulder and whistled lowly, “ _Damn_ , yer man were easy on tha eyes wasn’t ‘e?” Yondu elbowed him roughly in the guts and Kraglin wheezed, “Come’on babe, you got yer sight, even ya c’n see he’s purty.” The Hraxian dropped a kiss on the older man’s temple, “Ain’t as purty as you tho’.”

Yondu snorted, “Ya sweet-talkin’ son’bitch.”

Raph chuckled and took the photo back, stuffing it in a pocket, “I loved ‘em wit’ e’erythin’ in me.”

“What about yer step-father? Ya e’er see ‘im again?” Yondu asked quietly.

Her lip curled, “I didn’t see that fucker fer twelve years.” She looked down, cracking her knuckles and fiddling with her hands, “One day I were in tha diner, havin’ a nice Sunday breakfast wit’ ma family an’ he just – walks in. Tha town I grew up in was four hours away, I never – I _never_ thought I’d see ‘is sorry ass again.” She closed her eyes briefly, when she opened them again they were watery, “I remember – I remember feelin’ just like tha’ sixteen-year-ol’ kid again – scared fer ma life, scared fer ma kids. That _piece o’ shit_ saw me sittin’ there – looked me dead in tha eyes – an’ I thought – this is it, this is where I’mma die – but he didn’t come over – just – ordered coffee an’ – walked right outta there. Like I weren’t shit – like _everything_ ‘e put me through was just – _nothing_.”

Neither Ravager said a word – utterly enthralled.

Raph shook her head, looking lost, “Fer two fuckin’ weeks I was terrified – lookin’ over ma shoulder, jumpin’ at every damn noise – scared he was gonna come fer me an’ ma family but nothin’ ever happened an’ – life just – went on, ya know? Me an’ Tony kept goin’ ta work an’ comin’ home, Ara went ta school an’ Tony’s momma looked after Mayan while we was at work. ‘Bout a month after I saw that scumbag tha boss calls me inta tha office an’ tells me he got a job fer me a few days away – wants me ta go up ta this ol’ mining town ‘cause they got trouble wit’ one o’ their rigs.  It was worth some serious units too, ma husband wanted me ta go ‘cause we was tryin’ ta git enough together ta take tha kids offworld fer a holiday, ya know? Normal family stuff.” She smiled sadly. “So off I went. Drove up there, forty-eight fuckin’ hours in total an’ when I gets there, ma ‘contact’ has no idea ‘bout any o’ it. It were a fake job, I ‘member ringing tha boss an’ fuckin’ losin’ ma shit.  Didn’t think nothin’ o’ it, it happens sometimes, we had a pretty hardcore competitor tha’ use’ta ring in fake calls sometimes – usually boss man would pick up on it but occasionally one slipped through – this were one o’ tha worst ones. So I called Tony an’ bitched ‘bout it, he was bummed we weren’t gonna be able ta take tha girls offworld yet, but told me he loved me an’ ta be safe.” She drew in a ragged breath, “That – that were tha last time I e’er spoke ta him.”

Kraglin made a pained noise, “Raph –”

She held up a hand, “No – ya’ll watched ma back through this whole thing – ya deserve ta know – I – I need someone ta hear their story – tha _real_ story.”

Yondu slipped an arm around Kraglin and pulled him close, “Go’on Raph – we’re listenin’.”

She gave him a quick shaky smile, “I drove all tha way back an’ – an’ when I got home – tha house – tha house was a smouldering pit. There – there weren’t nothin’ left. I were sat in tha truck fer want felt like hours – just in shock – would’a only been ‘bout ten minutes tho’, ‘cause a neighbour or some shit must’a seen me pull up an’ next thing I know tha cops have rocked up an’ are slappin’ me in handcuffs. I were arrested fer arson an’ tha murder – o’ ma husband an’ kids. Turns out tha windows were nailed shut an’ tha doors were barred before tha fire was lit.”

“Fuck.” Yondu breathed.

Raph snorted humourlessly, “Yeah. Didn’t matter what tha hell I said, wit’ tha town’s opinion o’ me an’ ma family – it were already decided before I even went ta trial that I were guilty o’ all o’ it. I were locked up fer five years ‘fore ma lawyers were able ta git tha conviction thrown out fer lack o’ evidence. Despite tha ‘lack o’ evidence’ an’ me insistin’ I was innocent, I were done in that town. I got pretty much run out – people – they fuckin’ spat on me in tha street – called me shit – murderer – scum – kid killer.” Tears were leaking out of her eyes at this point and her voice shook violently, “Tha clinchin’ point? Ma step-father – he came ta tha trial. Spent tha whole time wit’ this self-satisfied smile on ‘is sick fuckin’ face. I knew then – I knew he’d killed ma family. Tha lawyers couldn’t pin nothin’ on his ass tho’ – weren’t enough evidence. He went offworld not long after I got sentenced, ain’t n’er seen ‘im since.” She looked up at the pair and sighed heavily, “And that’s tha God honest truth about how I lost e’erythin’.”

Yondu grit his teeth until his molar creaked and stood up abruptly, leaving the room. Kraglin watched him go, feeling the fury leaking off his partner in droves. The Hraxian scooped up Raph in a hug and dropped onto the swag, “’M so sorry, Raph. Ya didn’t hafta tell us, ya know. Ya could’a just told me ta fuck off.”

Her voice was muffled and watery, “Fuck off.”

Kraglin snorted, “Bit late now.”

“Thank you.” She replied quietly.

“Fer what?”

“Fer listenin’. Fer _believin’_ me.”

“Hey, yer one o’ us now. A Ravager, like.”

“Friendship through pain huh?”

Kraglin smiled sadly, “Somement like that.”

Hours later, Raph was curled up between them on the swag, snoring lightly when Yondu gave his mate a fierce look, “When this shit is over. We’re gon’ find that mother fucker an’ we gon’ _kill_ him.”

Cruel, cold, and calculating Kraglin appeared, snarling out a vicious reply, “Yes’sir.”


	8. They Grow on You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the trio finally get offworld.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there peeps :)

Raph put the truck in park and heaved out a sigh. “This is it. Tha LZ is just over that hill.”

Yondu threw open the passenger door and slid out onto the dirt, “Right. Let’s scope it out.”

The trio scrambled up onto the rise of the hill, laying low so they wouldn’t be spotted.

The place was swarming with guards, in a tight rotation around three m-ships.

Raph cursed, “They must be waitin’ fer tha last o’ tha ground crew ta come back in. Toothless, pass me that datapad.”

Kraglin quietly slipped it into her fingers and she pulled up the comms program. She cursed her way through about eight different signals before she finally got a lock on their comms.  She looked up at the pair, “Ya’ll got ear pieces?” The Ravagers nodded. “Good, I got one floatin’ around in a pocket.” She patted herself down, “Ha! Here it is.” She stuffed it into her ear and synced them to the correct channel. “Right, now we c’n hear ‘em.” She looked at Yondu expectantly. “Well? Yer tha Cap’n. So fuckin’ go ahead an’ Cap’n this shit.”

Yondu snorted, “Yer actually gon’ listen ta me?”

“’M good at a lotta shit, mechanics, tech, beatin’ stuff up, lookin’ drop dead gorgeous no matter what,” That earned her two hearty snickers, which she glared at them for, “look – I ain’t no strategist right? I’mma follow orders like a good lil’ solider on this one. Cross ma black lil’ heart.”

The Centaurian rolled his eyes and turned to survey the scene, there were about ten guards, all in tactical with heavy rifles, “Ya know how ta fly one o’ them ships Raph?” She nodded. “Right, well they ain’t just gon’ let two pirates an’ a redneck stroll up an’ catch a lift so we gotta take one o’ them by force. Krags? You an’ me c’n start takin’ out them guards. Cause a distraction like, Raph c’n git us one o’ them ships. You go left, I’ll take right. Raph? You sneak ‘round tha side an’ take that m-ship on tha far side ok?”

“Yes’sir.”

“No worries, Blue.”

“A’right. Let’s do this.”

Raph shimmed her way back down the hill and started skirting the outside to make it to the m-ship. She stopped short when she realised there was a guard in her way and cursed silently. Pulling her bow, she lined up a shot, just as the other guards started to shout and fire off shots. She was saved the trouble of using an arrow when the man turned and jogged off in the direction of the commotion. Silently, she continued her path and snuck carefully through the airlock. The pilot was in the cockpit running a series of checks when she climbed the ladder. Ducking down low she slid up to the back of the chair, she steeled herself before slinging the bow string around the man’s throat and cutting off his airway, “Sorry brother,” she grunted as he struggled, “but it’s you or me, an’ today I choose me.” Once he was out she dragged him from the chair and tossed him down the ladder, sliding down after the unconscious body. Raph pulled him over to the airlock and dumped him in the dirt.

From her position she could see the Ravagers were in a losing battle with the remaining guards. She cursed and made her way back up to the cockpit. Taking her seat in the chair she began the launch sequence.  She paused for a second, hand over the airlock button. The increase in yelling outside told her some of the ground crew had made it back. She hit the button and the airlock closed. “Sorry boys. I ain’t dyin’ here.”

Yondu’s head turned when he heard the m-ship fire up. He whistled a guard through and his stomach dropped when he saw the airlock close and the ship begin to rise slightly, “That lil’ bitch is gon’ leave us here! KRAGLIN! SHIP! NOW!”

They made a line backing up towards the m-ship.

Kraglin called to the older man as he reloaded his rifle, “We ain’t gon’ make it.”

Raph watched them back up towards the ship from her place in the cockpit and cursed, “Goddamn conscience, why ya gotta go an’ kick in now?” She overrode the airlock controls and reopened it. Watching as they disappeared from view. “Com’on ya bastards, hurry up.”

As soon as she saw them dive through on the security feed she closed the airlock and slammed the throttle, rocketing them up into atmo.

Once the ship had leveled out, Yondu shot up and stalked towards the cockpit ladder.

“You fuckin’ BITCH! Ya were just gon’ LEAVE us!”

Raph smirked when she heard the Centaurian snarl.

Kraglin slid into the co-pilot’s seat, “Honestly Raph, I thought ya were really gon’ leave us down there ta die.”

Her eyes slid to his, “I was.” She smirked, “Then yer dumb asses when an’ grew on me. It ain’t fair really, a mean I ain’t had a conscience fer years an’ then two goddamn _Ravagers_ made me go an’ grow one again. ‘S fuckin’ tragic. Ravagers – they grow on you, prickly attitudes and terrible personal hygiene in’all.”

Yondu smiled despite himself, “Shut up Raph, an’ take us tha fuck home.”

She sighed, “Right where’s this ship o’ yers then?”


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that’s all for this story peeps! I hope you enjoyed it! It’s been a wild ride for our boys but it all came good in the end. Funny thing – over the course of the story Raph got told to shut up thirty times XD 'Till next time - Thanks for listening chiiiilllldren xxx

Raph docked the m-ship with ease once Yondu had confirmed with the bridge it was indeed them and _‘to stop pointin’ tha fuckin’ guns at me ‘fore I rip ya’ll a new asshole’_.

The trio tiredly stepped out of the airlock, and Raph looked around. “Big ship.” She commented lightly.

“What will ya do now?” Kraglin asked as he stretched, spine cracking and making her wince.

Raph shrugged, “I dunno – pro’ly go find another planet ta wreak hell on I su’pose.”

Yondu looked at her critically, “Ya could always stay here on tha _Eclector_. We’ll be needin’ a new head mechanic now Nate’s dead.”

She snorted, “An’ serve under you two princesses? I dun fuckin’ think so.” She stepped up to Yondu and gripped his face between her hands. “You be good ta that boy Kraglin right? Heard he got a heart o’ gold.” She planted a kiss on his lips, snickering at the shocked look she received.

She made her way over to Kraglin who hugged her tightly. “Stay safe Raph.”

“You too beanpole.” She hooked a hand around his neck and gave him a kiss too.

Turning she sauntered back to the m-ship, hips swinging and a pep in her steps, “See ya’ll next apocalypse boys!”

* * *

 Yondu smirked down at the five sets of enthralled eyes and leaned back into Kraglin’s warm embrace.

“And that kids, is how we met yer mother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT!!!! WHAAAAATTTTTT?!
> 
> That's right ya'll. That's the way it ends. Do with it what you will XD

**Author's Note:**

> The concept of Hrax and Hraxian!Kraglin comes from the incredible Write_Like_An_American, who's stories I utterly adore <3 (and you should totally go read, like, all of them because they are amazing) So, shout out to them for creating it because none of my stories would exist without their ideas :)


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